The Death Of A Child - The Grief Of The Parents: A Lifetime Journey

Children are not supposed to die...Parents expect to see their children grow and mature. Ultimately, parents expect to die and leave their children behind...This is the natural course of life events, the life cycle continuing as it should. The loss of a child is the loss of innocence, the death of the most vulnerable and dependent. The death of a child signifies the loss of the future, of hopes and dreams, of new strength, and of perfection. - Arnold and Gemma 1994, iv, 9, 39

When a parent dies, you lose your past; when a child dies, you lose your future. - Anonymous

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Healing from your grief is not easy. It’s a long, sometimes painful process.

We want to help you on your journey toward recovery. Here are some suggestions that can make a big difference in your progress toward healing:

Don’t try to go through the grieving process alone. Link up with a GriefShare grief recovery support group. It’s a place where you’ll find caring people who understand the issues you face. Our Group Finder will help you locate a group meeting near you.

Your progress can be slowed or stopped if you don’t build on the right foundation. The Foundation for Healing section has essential information to help you find the right footing.

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Books, CDs and videos on grief and recovery topics. Expert resources to help you heal.

Our Help for the Journey section provides daily reading and exercises to help you dig deeper into the grief recovery process.

GriefNet Library: Coping with Grief during Holidays

Surviving the Holidays - Thoughts on Coping. . .

There is no right or wrong way to handle the day. Some may wish to follow family traditions, while others may choose to change. Focus your celebrations on winter: go to a mountain lodge; go sledding or skiing, or just take a walk in the woods--time out to enjoy what nature has to offer in this season. Include the deceased in your conversations and celebrations. Hang a stocking for your loved one in which people can put notes with their thoughts or feelings. Look at photographs. Once others realize that you are comfortable talking about your loved one, they can relate stories that will add to your pleasant memories. Keep in mind the feelings of your children or family members. Try to make the holiday season as joyous as possible for them. Plan to be with the people YOU enjoy. Do something for others: volunteer at a soup kitchen; visit the lonely and shut-ins; ask someone who is alone to share the day with your family; provide help for a needy family; volunteer at the airport to pour coffee for stranded travelers; or offer to volunteer in a hospital on the holiday;if your city has a Ronald McDonald House, see if you can help make their holiday happier. Don't be afraid to express your feelings. Allow people to comfort you. They need to feel they are helping in some way. Remember, anticipation of any holiday is so much worse than the actual holiday. Donate a gift or money in your loved one's name. Try to get enough rest. by Permission

Rev 21:3-7 “…God Himself will be with them and be their God. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away." Then He who sat on the throne said, "Behold, I make all things new."

1 Thessalonians 4:13-18, “But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus."

Dealing with grief

When dealing with grief, one must be willing to face what has happened. Dealing with those many confusing feelings will take time. Below are several ways you can move in the right direction. Join a small grief group in your community if possible. Good place to look for a group is at GriefShare.

View the short movie to the left.

Ideas For Writing

“Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord!” Psalm 27:14.

You may find it helpful to “sort out” your thoughts about your loved one by writing a letter to the person who died. Express your thoughts and feelings about:

• A special memory that I have about you…
• What I miss the most about you and our relationship…
• What I wish I had said or had not said…
• What I’d like to ask you…
• What I wish we’d done or had not done…
• What I have had the hardest time dealing with…
• Ways in which you will continue to live on in me…
• Special ways I have for keeping my memories of you alive…

Choose one or several ideas that are important to you or start at the top of the list and work your way down. These topics may help you come up with ideas specific to your situation and relationship.

Rituals To Commemorate

Rituals are effective and meaningful when they have significance to the deceased and to the survivor. The following are merely suggestions and might be altered and enhanced to appropriately accommodate the relationship involved.

• Prepare a favorite meal of the loved one and enjoy it as he/she did.
• Prepare a favorite dessert – share with family or friends.
• Watch a movie(s) enjoyed by your loved one.
• Plant flowers, a tree or a flowering bush in memory of your loved one.
• Enjoy a toast to your loved one on a birthday, anniversary or holiday.
• Light a candle and recall the comfort or guiding light he/she was for you.
• Read book(s) or article(s) on a favorite topic(s) he/she enjoyed.
• Play music appreciated by your loved one and see if you can enjoy it now.
• Attend a concert/performance that would be pleasurable to you both.
• Look through photo albums and focus on shared times and memories.
• Wear a piece of jewelry that was a favorite of the person.
• Wear cologne or perfume he/she liked on you.
• Wear an item of clothing given to you by him/her.
• Buy something for yourself he/she would like you to have.
• Enjoy lunch or dinner at a favorite cafe/restaurant.
• Visit the burial place – bring a balloon or symbolic item to leave.
• Journal some favorite stories.
• Travel to a place he/she enjoyed or always desired to visit.
• Review how your life is better because he/she was a part of it.
• Focus on the gift he/she was to you.
• Purchase flowers on the anniversary. Bring for display at church or home gathering. When people leave, have them take a flower.
• Send flowers to a close family member on the anniversary.
• Read a favorite poem(s) or book enjoyed by your loved one.
• Watch home videos and remember.
• Volunteer for an organization in memory of your loved one.
• Become an activist in the cause of death issue – by participating in a walk-a-thon,phone-a-thon, etc.
• If you kept greeting cards given to you by your loved one, take time to read them again.
• Enjoy a leisurely walk taking time to recall shared events in life together.

Grief Counseling Resource Guide, New York State Office of Mental Health, Sharon Carpinello, RN, Ph.D., Commissioner

David Horner 2006